A blog for single lesbians

{October 26, 2007}   BREAKING UP IS HARD TO DO

Last night’s dinner was awkward and you are now dodging her phone calls. The chemistry has long since dissipated, but home girl can’t seem to catch a clue.

The next step is the inevitable “You’re a great person, but…” or “it’s not you, it’s me…” speech that everyone hates to be on the receiving end of.

Just how do you extricate yourself from one of the worse dating scenarios, outside of getting that Dear Jane letter of course, there is? In other words, how do you say “it’s over”?

As most of us well know, there is no “good way’ to tell a person you want to end a relationship. Since most of us, save for a lucky few, have, at some point, been dumped, we know that all the platitudes in the world didn’t erase the fact that we were…well…dumped.

The best thing to do is to meet the situation dead on. Sure, it may be easier to avoid the places you once hung out together and turn off your cell phone, but sooner or later you will want your life back. Out of fairness to the both of you, you must confront the issue so you can both move on.

KEEP IT SHORT AND TO THE POINT-long drawn out scenarios prolong the agony. If you mean this person no ill will, just come out with it. If they ask why, try to be as forthcoming as you can without crushing the persons spirit. Replying “Cause you are selfish, and clingy” is not constructive.

TRY NOT TO BREAK UP OVER THE PHONE-but if you must do so, don’t do it while they are driving, or at work. Wait till you know they are at home. If at all possible however, try to break up with someone face to face, in a private yet not too intimate location.

BE FIRM-If the woman is still into you, then of course she will object. “I can change!” she’ll cry, or she may try to explain away the behavior that has gotten her into the ejector seat to begin with. If you know your decision is sound, don’t budge. Believe me, people seldom change, and even if she did, she may end up eventually resenting you for it.

DON’T SAY “LET’S BE FRIENDS”-even if you mean it-it is better to wish them well and leave it at that. Chances are, you don’t really mean it, and are trying to make yourself feel better.

Breakups, when they are not done with vindictive intent, is simply a method of “letting go” after you realize that you and your partner are ill suited for one another Unless the person cheated on you or otherwise deceived you, there should be no real animosity in the process and it should be handled delicately.

There is no “nice” way to break things off, but you can do it with dignity and a true regard for the feelings of someone you once deemed worthy of your time and attention.


{October 26, 2007}   Dating with Children

Juggling motherhood with a private life can be about as tricky as walking a tight wire without a net, but there is a way to balance it all while meeting yours and your child’s needs.

Katie Belge one again offers insight in an article called <a href=http://lesbianlife.about.com/od/lesbiandating/qt/MomDating.htm” > “Dating Tips for Lesbian Moms” </a>

Once again, her tips were a mixed bag of great advice with a bit of a cautionary asides. For example, she advises that you tell friend and co-workers that you are on the look out for a lover. There are, of course, caveats to this. For example, if you are working in a “don’t ask, don’t tell” type of atmosphere, then you don’t want to go around asking people to ferret our single friends for your appraisal. Use your common sense, as you should know who you can step to as well as who you can’t.

The rest of the tips are spot on, and can apply to anyone single parent who is looking to get out and date.

I really liked the fact that she offered a link to places that single moms could go to mingle with Lesbians who are on the prowl for a partner, or just looking to make a new friend. Suggestions like gay clubs, pride parades, sporting events, gay and Lesbian centers, even churches and straight clubs with an “open and welcoming” attendance, are great avenues to start with.

There are also single parent dating sites, Lesbian oriented and straight ones that offer a Lesbian and bisexual option on their pull down menu’s, where you can find mother’s who are in the same boat as you.

Belge gamely includes a link that will help you write a better profile, proffering an invaluable list, which includes helpful hints like:

1. Write a Catchy Title

2. Post a Photo

3. Be Honest

4. Be Positive

5. Be Unique

6. Be Specific

7. Check for Errors

8. Add a Personal Touch

9. Invite a Response

10. Keep It Current

I couldn’t have done better myself, and while the above list may seem like a no-brainer, you would be surprised how many people don’t observe even half of these.

A modern day Lesbian parent has a myriad of avenues with which to pursue in their bid to find platonic friendship or love, and it appears to be something that gets a bit easier every day, as need meets commerce ( in other words, if folks can make money on it, they will provide the service.)

Be open and yet be careful. Every person you date is someone you are not only bringing into your circle, but your kids as well. If you feel things are getting serious, wait a while before the “Hey kids, meet so and so …” introductions

With a little ingenuity and some preparation, you can date once more, supplying yourself with a pleasant deviation from routine, and giving you kids a happier, more fulfilled mommy.

{October 26, 2007}   Fun Summer Date Ideas

Dating ideas are sometimes hard to come by, so every once in a while, I like to scour the internet to see what I can turn up.

I ran across numerous offerings, but the best top ten came from Cathy Belge, whose article “Best Summer Dates for Lesbians” was right on the money.

Her article, found here,


she advised couples to hit the beach, take in a sporting event, picnic, see an outdoor concert, take a bike ride, visit an outdoor café, visit the state fair, go camping, go to a drive-in movie, take a boat ride.

Now, while I felt the suggestions were right on, I was a bit leery about the mention of a nude beach. Regular beach fine. Nude. Uhm. No.

I mean, even if you two were built like Shakira and Beyonce, respectively, there are bound to be not so fit specimens at ye olde nudie beach. I don’t know about you, but the idea of seeing the unmentionables of some guy flapping in the breeze as I try to chill out with my date does not a romantic vision make. Besides, if you are just starting to get to know one another, getting naked may be a bit too fast and forward.

But if you two are a less inhibited than I, all I can say is, don’t let me stop you-but if you can, try to find a secluded area, where you can be alone and unobserved.

Other than that, I found the list a great place to start, but pondered about winter activities that two lady loves might be able to indulge in once Summer.

There is of course, the traditional dinner and a movie option as both are indoors, but if you are looking for something a little more creative, where else can yah go?

Well, clubbing, while not an entirely new idea, is always a good winter bet as clubs are generally indoors, and are a lot of fun-nothing sexier than seeing your brand new hottie shaking it up for you on the dance floor.

Roller rinks, are also a fun all year round place to literally kick you feet up and get some physical exercise to boot. Besides, if one of you is a novice, it will give you a great excuse to get close to each another as you instruct your new gal pal on the finer arts of rollerblading.

Museums, art galleries and classes, be they art or cooking, are also safe Winter bets.

Some of the Summer list could be enjoyed in the winter, for instance, you can still take in a sporting event (an indoor one), or enjoy a nice café, opting for a nice indoor window seat if you enjoyed people watching the first time around.

Whatever your pleasure, you can surely find lots of ways to enjoy your dating experience with a new and exciting companion.

The age old dilemma of where to take a first date, is a two fold problem for gay people, who may not want to be gawked at and bothered for standing out in a crowd.

If you are at a loss of where to take your current gal pal, Lesbian Nation, is an online magazine that supports links detailing activities and social events with gay and or lesbian themes.

Where you would like to go depends largely on your individual tastes, but entertainment that is of mutual interest can be found, and with a little effort, you may be able to set of to a spot that is first date worthy.

Something that could be of interest are female oriented festivals, like Woman Fest, which takes place every fall in Florida. This years festivities are over, but they usually include:

  • Pool Parties
  • Dance Clubs
  • Gurrlesque
  • Women Only Sunset Sails
  • Women Only Snorkel & Dolphin Watching
  • Lesbian Film Fests
  • Commitment Ceremonies
  • SWING Golf Tournament
  • Beach Parties
  • Gay & Lesbian Trolley Tour
  • Hospitality Suite
  • Daily Featured Restaurants
  • Street Fairs
  • And much, much more.

If you are not one for large crowds, a local spoken word café or poetry/writers group can be a far cozier environment, where you can take in some culture, and later, relate on what you liked or didn’t like about the experience.

For an even more intimate date, hiking, bird watching, jogging, or gardening may be just the thing to bring you and that special someone even closer together, especially if you are an avid nature lover and can find a beautiful spot to stop and take in some beautiful scenary.

Of course, there is always the fail safe of attending gay pride rallies and marches. Not only are the marches fun and filled with music, sun, merchandise and food, but you can also show a bit of gay solidarity and support the scene a bit.

But then, there is no law that everything has to have the word “gay” in front of it. Taking in a movie or going to dinner at a nice, quiet Italian restaurant are valid options as well, but if you are self conscious about people giving you attitude upon arrival, check the intended establishment out to see how gay friendly they are. Not all straight restaurants or bars frown on gay courtship, and many will stand up for gay partners if they are picked on or harassed.

Even so, human beings tend to feel more relaxed with people who they know share common ideals and beliefs and that is fine as well. Just don’t be afraid to venture outside the comfort zones and make your presence seen. With greater visibility, comes a greater acceptance. This isn’t to say become in your face pushy, but rather, quietly etch ourselves into the landscape of mainstream America by respectfully dating whom we choose, where we would choose.

{September 19, 2007}   Fake Femmes – Pull Out Your Gaydar

Bi-sexual women and lipstick lesbians, also known as femme’s, share one thing in common. They are both viewed with a measure of distrust in the lesbian community; however, femmes are ogled with a greater level of suspicion, but for an entirely different reason.

While a bi-sexual woman is open about her attraction to men, many lesbians feel that some lipsticks may be straight women in disguise, playing up to the popular culture of males who enjoy seeing two women together.

No self-respecting lesbian would put her sexuality on display for the titillation of freak seeking males. The first sign that a femme is either straight or truly bi, is her preoccupation with teasing nearby men with sexy girl on girl action.

Other femmes are not on the hunt for sex or male acceptance, but for money. In any dating environment, there are people who will pray on the sensibilities and affections of another person for financial gain, and a hot wannabe femme may think a gay woman to be an easy target.

Materialistic honeys will go through any lengths to get paid-even seducing you. Keep your gaydar on hyper drive and look out for such heartless babes. Be especially wary of a girl who seems to only want to be around when you are showering her with gifts, or seems pre-occupied with your job, your car, or what is in your bank account.

Ah yes, and let us not forget the trend gals, who believe coming out of the closet is the “new black”.

A girl who is in it for her own self-validation may be hard to discern right away, especially since, unlike the gold diggers, she will go as far as to partake in gay activism, and introduce you to people she knows.

I liken this to white men and women who date blacks to show how non-racist and down they are, even going to the lengths of a great, poetic grandstanding “This is my black girlfriend/boyfriend, accept them or don’t accept me!” moment. Just whom these folks are striving to prove something to, I do not know, but in any case, it inevitably leaves their love interest feeling played and betrayed.

In regards to ye olde gaydar, this is a toughie, but go with your gut. We tend to be able to recognize our own tribe, and if something just doesn’t feel right, but you can’t put your finger on it, there is probably a reason for it.

Take a step back, watch and listen. Fakers usually tip their hands at some point, and if you are observant, you can catch them in the act of their own self-deceptions.

That said, there are many femmes who are the genuine article, and if you are a butch, a dyke or even another femme who enjoys dating them, don’t let the counterfeit lipsticks deter you-just use a little common sense and keep it real yourself!

Lesbians and bisexual women co-exist in an uneasy space together, as there is a somewhat informal type of acceptance that bi females enjoy in the lesbian dating sphere. Even so, many bi’s find that they are not trusted, and in some cases, not well liked.

They are outcasts amongst the exiled.

How did this come to be?

Fact of the matter is, bisexuals deal with bias from all sides, and perhaps, in some cases, deservedly so. Both straight and gay communities view them as wishy-washy individuals, who don’t have the courage or strength of character to fully emerge from the proverbial closet and admit their true orientations

The problem is, many bisexual gals do tend to switch teams so often; it makes their loved one’s heads spin.

This can be a scary thing for a true lesbian lady, who wants to have a serious or committed relationship with a woman who won’t ever claim true fidelity.

Most of my lesbian gal pals have confessed to me that a bi-sexual woman has burned them at some point. In echo of the whole Anne Heche, Ellen Degeneres debacle, these women had given their heart and souls to someone who suddenly decided to go “male”, dumping their lovers flat without warning, and most times, without cause.

Because of this, many lesbians I know won’t even consider dating a bi-sexual.

The fear is very valid, but begs the question, should an entire segment of society be shut out simply because of potential heartbreak? If so, a lesbian woman shouldn’t date anyone, not even another lesbian, as there are no guarantees in love.

Besides, who says that all romances are going to be eternal?

Maybe, just maybe, that person, be they bi or homosexual, came into you life, not as an eternal partner, but as an instructor. Even in pain, we can find a richness of experience that can foster spiritual growth.

So, Debbie left you for a dude – what did you gain? Did she turn you on to a love of art-an appreciation for the sad and the lost? To classical music?

Did she make you come out of your shell, or help you to appreciate yourself for the beautiful being you are both inside and out?

Maybe, despite the pain, the Debbie’s of the lesbian community are worthy partners, who may facilitate our evolution so that we become better lovers, friends and mates for the ones for whom we are truly meant.

Love is, and will always be, the greatest of all human endeavors and the costliest.

This is the every nature of love.

Should a lesbian woman decide to date or take on a bi-sexual partner, she has to decide if the inherent dangers are worth the potentially disastrous results.

Now, to be sure, that doesn’t mean all bisexual to lesbian romances are doomed to bitter failure, but it is a numbers a game, and the odds are stacked against.

However, a game well played is still fun, even if you lose.

{September 10, 2007}   Coming Out and Moving On

You’ve come out of the closet – friends and family now know you are a lesbian. For some women, coming forward is a great relief, and in many cases, their loved ones were not surprised. They had suspected as much for years and were far more accepting than one would have thought. A good friend of mine was almost disappointed at the amount of non-drama their coming out received, to the point of being miffed for days after. Others are not so lucky, facing vilification and rejection upon telling the world their true orientation.

Whatever the outcome, you are now sitting around trying to figure out what to do next.

In the romance aspect, the greatest dilemma you might face is on the dating circuit. Figuring out if the woman you are interested in is gay and how to approach if she is, can be quite difficult. Sure, if you are in a lifestyle club, then it is a no brainer, but you are not going to live you life in a gay bar, nor do you necessarily want to meet your better half on the club scene.

Well, there are a multitude of same sex specific web pages for gay women who want to learn more about their choice to live life fully and fearlessly out in the open. One, is a very informative site called Dating Lesbian Style ( a page that is chock full of articles, links and resources like gay horoscopes, relationship and same sex dating advice, as well as lists of activist oriented organizations that detail gay rights and how to protect them.

Lesbian dating sites, like Pink Cupid, are also a good place to go to find women who are on the dating market. You can join for free, and a quick search allows you to take a look at members who are currently seeking casual or romantic companionship. Although a standard membership is free, you can upgrade, which of course, costs, but may be worth the price depending on what you are looking for.

At Lesbian Dating Personals,  it is free to become a member. Free membership includes the ability to receive and reply to emails from other members, and send smiles to break the ice. You can browse the worldwide network of members, and upload up to five photo’s! Registration is only one page long, making it fast and easy. I like the fact that you can specifically seek out members who have photo’s (advisable, as someone who doesn’t want to post their pic always sends me a red flag) , and each profile lets you know if the member is new. Worth a look!

Changes are always daunting, and monumental, especially when coming out into a world that may or may not accept your choices. With a little research and a few starting points, like online dating, you may relax into your new skin, and welcome even the challenges that lie ahead.

I received an email that made me roll my eyes as I read the subject line. Not only did the bloody thing make it past my filters, but also it screamed ‘”Sexy Lesbian teen romps with gal pal on water bed!” in all caps.

I actually grunted as I marked it as spam, smiling grimly as it disappeared from my screen.

Funny thing too, as I’d just begun to write my introduction for this very blog when the thing popped up. I had been in something of a quandary of how to proceed with my writings, especially since I was not a Lesbian per se (bi sexual, but not sure how some may perceive that), but that email had created a spark that lead to this flame: what is it about Lesbianism that is the catalyst of fantasy, speculation, scrutiny and in some cases, contempt?

I pondered it a moment, then realized that the varying textures the community offers is alluring, even to those who claim they do not want to see. Lesbian women are outspoken, ranging in temperament from militant, to butch, Goth, femme and every glorious variant in between. They spit in the face of convention, proclaiming the right to be ballsy, angry, willful, erotic and sensuous in a way that doesn’t need the mainstream’s stamp of approval.

Because of this, they are admired, envied and vilified.

Nonetheless, the inescapable fact is that those on the outside looking in, will always wonder about the Lesbian counter culture, whispering behind their hands as they spread their stereotypical bs about ladies whose only crime is to find their own form attractive, and are no longer afraid to revel in the their divine femininity as they carve their place in modern history.

This makes me especially glad that I have a voice in this blog, where I can reach out to my sisters to discuss romance, dating options and relationships in an open and frank manner to foster enlightenment on both sides of the fence.

Now, enlightenment often begins with evolution from within, a fact my friend Shonia Brown of Nghosi Books, knows all too well. An organizer of the Music and Literary Showcase at Atlanta Pride, she has invited me to perform on numerous occasions. Shonia is a firm believer that music, as well as the written word, will turn tides and alter perceptions, leading people toward acceptance of a little understood segment of society.

I am inclined to agree with her, which is why I am feel so honored to contribute my musings, helpful hints and ideals, not only from a bisexual woman’s POV, but as a feminist, who chose to wander my own road, for my own reasons, only to face the double edge sword of ridicule, defamation and admiration.

The fascination with Lesbianism will perhaps never wane, not so long as the multicolored plumage of this community continues to draw the foreign eyes of the outsider. Maybe that isn’t an altogether bad thing.

et cetera